Burn Out is Real
I used to be one of those wankers that would argue the point that burn out wasn't real, like it was Santa or perfect grades. My eyes would roll so far back in my skull when I heard the phrase that I could count the clusters of neurons firing.
Turns out I was wrong, burn out is a real thing. I'm actually a complete convert to the "burn out is real and life threatening" club after spending the last 30 hours with my body and brain making me pinky swear I wouldn't do what I just did to them over the last three weeks ever again. They were pretty convincing I must say.
As if feeling like my stomach was tied up in knots like last years Christmas lights with no hope of untangling was enough, the stabbing hot pain in through the bridge of my nose was just plain tear inducing. I did semi enjoy the hallucinogenic dreams in that small transition period of my body going from frost bite freezing to over heating to the point of wanting to tear my skin from my bones but that was a glimmer of relief in the sea of (probably very over exaggerated) pain.
As a freelancer and worse, as a creative, time, money and deadlines are like mystical objects in the dark, they crack you in the fucking shin when you least expect it. Every time I get used to a routine it changes and I have to reassess pretty much everything. The problem here is due to lack of consistency I catch myself out and end up crashing and burning.
Here's 5 ways I screwed myself over in the last two weeks:
1. I was arrogant/naive in thinking how much time something would take
2. I over commited out of excitement
3. I said "yes" when I should have said "I'll get back to you and confirm"
4. I filled my blank time with stuff to feel more active
5. I stacked multiple tasks in a day because it seemed logical not because it was the best thing physically
So I feel like I've nailed the first step to recovery in identifying where I went wrong. The hard part is remembering that and keeping myself in check. Everyones time is precious and while we all have the same amount of time in the day as Beyonce, we need to use it wisely and not waste it. Our energy is finite, once the cup is empty it's gone, you have to restore in order to carry on.
What I'm getting at here is days off aren't for the weak. We can't all be Spiderman. Your organs and spine and brain need a rest. Ugh I can hear my mum "Amy, you can't keep going like this" but sadly she's right, no amount of fizzy iron tablets are going to stop your body screeching to a halt if you keep flinging it through life like it's twister. Ease up turbo.
Also, thanks for caring, I'm not dead yet.